


Make or Break

by Parkercurse



Series: The Michelle “MJ” Jones Diaries [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Ben Parker Dies, Grief/Mourning, Multi, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 13:37:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20193157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parkercurse/pseuds/Parkercurse
Summary: There are lots of experiences people go through that help define them and shape who they will be, what kind of person they will be. A few of said experiences will be negative, and will make or break a person: whether you will rise above the bad and grow, or they will hold you back and you will be stunted which could possibly lead to you blaming others and taking your anger out on those around you. Knowing the universe and how it treats Peter Parker, his bad experiences outweigh the good.





	Make or Break

There are lots of experiences people go through that help define them and shape who they will be, what kind of person they will be. A few of said experiences will negative, and will make or break a person: whether you will rise above the bad and grow, or they will hold you back and you will be stunted possibly leading to you blaming others and taking your anger out on others. Knowing the universe and how it treats Peter Parker, his bad experiences outweigh the good. As Michelle has said before, Peter has somehow came out the other end of being beaten down repeatedly and become the kindest and best person you could ever meet. But there were a couple times that Peter almost lost himself completely. He remained a good person throughout all of the shit he endured (despite all the odds stacked against this being the case) but he sort became a shell of who he was. He lost the things that made Peter, Peter. His little mannerisms; like his happy ramblings that mostly consisted of Star Wars and the physic errors in Star Trek, or his smile that crinkled at his eyes (not MJ noticed this) or even the fact that he couldn’t sit still for longer than a minute - he always had his hands doing something whether it be fiddling with a pen or tapping leg. When this happened it terrified MJ. Like she was afraid of being around him incase she said the wrong thing, worried she would cause him to break. He completely dissociated. It was Like he wasn’t even in his own body and she would have done anything to bring him back. Back to earth. Luckily he came back to himself. He somehow always did, always came back to her - no, not just her. He came back for Everyone. If he remained the way he did when that happened, MJ does not know what she would do with herself.

One of the make or break experiences for Peter that had that has MJ having to witness Peter losing himself was the murder of Ben Parker. He was like a ghost floating around the halls, she wasn’t even close with peter at the time, but she knew he was broken. The incident broke Peter Parker. And if something broke Peter, you know it’s bad. She didn’t know until later that he was there when it happened, but it made complete sense when she found out. The self blaming, and survivor’s guilt that seemed to weigh him down every second of the day. She didn’t get that at the time, she still doesn’t completely as it was not Peter holding the gun, but she understood it more. He has gotten better since it happened, but every so often she would catch him with a distant, haunted look in his eye that no child should have. He didn’t think anyone saw those split moments he floated away from himself and back to that alley, but MJ did. She knew exactly how to calm him too. That was something that MJ was proud of, she was one of the few people who could ground Peter. She would put her hand on his hand and just help him feel present, in the moment and not back there. As much as he has gotten better and has basically moved on there was one moment that shocked MJ to her core and left in her in tears - MJ never cried, but when he turned up outside her bedroom window, with blood on him and his body shaking like a leaf asking if she thought his Uncle Ben could have ever forgiven him for failing save him, she was a mess. For hours she sat with his head in the crook of her neck, tears and blood soaking her but she didn’t care. Only he did. They never spoke of that night again, but they both knew that after that, they would never forget it. They would never leave each others side after that, it was like an unspoken promise. ‘I’ll always be there’.

You would expect after everything that he has had to go through that he would be the one that needed more reassurance or a shoulder to cry on, but in was in fact the opposite. Before that night, MJ never allowed her feelings to bubble to the surface or anything to affect her, she buried everything down and pretended it never happened. But then something just broke, the wall she built fell and Peter was the one to save her every night from herself. So when MJ says she owes him, she means it.

Unlike Peter’s parents, MJ didn’t hate Ben. You’d think she would as she normally hates anyone that ever hurts Peter, but Peter adored Ben too much for her to. He did too much for Peter for her to hate him, he was the one that took him and put him back together (along with May, who was a literal saint) when his parents abandoned him and died. So as much as she tried to hate him, as his passing is one of the most defining things that ever happened to Peter, she couldn’t. There was not one bad thing she has ever heard about Ben Parker. His wife could go on for hours and about incredible he was, as could Peter. MJ wished she had met him at least once, just to thank him for making Peter the person he was. ‘Cus good people come from somewhere, someone. And he was definitely someone who is owed many thanks for the help in making the best person she knew and probably ever know. For if there was a way for MJ to describe Peter Parker it would be, warmth. He was necessary for MJ to function and survive. But when things got in the way you were lost and shivering, desperate for it to return. You can only last a while without it. He didn’t seem to realise he was so necessary for MJ’s world. There would be no world without Peter. MJ hates relying on someone but now she can’t go back, it wasn’t possible for her to live her life if her was out there and not around her. It was selfish of her but Peter didn’t seem to mind her being around so she would value the time she had with him as long as could. When life was shit and crumbling down around her, Peter’s stupidly sparkly eyes seemed to make everything seem so insignificant and small. What was that quote? If there’s any truth in the world it lies when I’m with you. There was nothing more accurate. No matter what MJ would be there for Peter in any way should could. He was too special to be ruined by the world and it’s cruelty. So matter how many experiences like what happened with Ben happens, MJ is there. Fuck everyone else.

**Author's Note:**

> The quote is from call me by your name. It genuinely the best film I have ever watched and timothèe chalamet is a triumph. I know it seems a bit harsh at the end with the “fuck everyone else” but MJ is literally the most blunt person so oh well lol


End file.
